Let's make a dent in the universe...

...were the immortal words I needed to hear from somebody.

That somebody died today, October 5th 2011 (funny enough today is another friend's birthday and just 2 days shy of my brother's).

Born a Piscis, died a Libran.

Born a Pariah, died an Emperor.

A frustrated youth that became one of the greatest creative forces this world has ever known.

I first heard of Steve Jobs when I read an article celebrating the microcomputers 20th anniversary, owed in large part to him. I read about the two Steves of Apple, one got fired and opened Next Computers, the other returned to college and pursued a career teaching kids.

I got to meet my first Apple Computer at the age of 4...it was my first computer. The IIgs, the competing Apple II that went against it's own brother the Macintosh (it had color). For many years I couldn't figure out why MS Windows didn't have a cool paint program or sounds or a watch (instead of an hour glass) or that adorable trash can in the corner.

I revived and burnt my Apple IIgs :( . Later I was able to emulate it in Linux (and it was 10 times faster then the original). I tried emulating a Mac in PearPC (which I did successfully) but it was too slow. I finally ceded and got my wish when my brother sold me his PowerBook G4. Later on I would get a Macbook Pro hand me down (this computer) but I was still immensely happy. I have a recently acquired mac mini server sitting at my Dad's home...the pride of my online site.

The idea from Apple was not so much innovation for me. It was taking some place you already knew, adding nice fresh grass, a swing, a slide, a blue sky and the promise of a better tomorrow. I think about twinkies, Combos, my first Lego police car...my first VCR and Cable Television set. Apple is synonymous with home...the first one I remember living in. Having come back to the States after a short time in Mexico - but I don't remember that...

...I remember the beginning of my life (Iselin New Jersey, c. 1983) , a fresh new start, a whole new world...a beautiful sunny new world - with twinkies and Combos. My Apple IIgs was bought a couple of years later but it was still part of a that...in fact...a renaissance of happiness. The windows, the sounds, the graphics and of course the games.

Every time I turn on my Mac I remember that first computer. Sometimes I can still hear someone say in the back of my mind "...it's a fresh new start."

Well Steve...sometimes I imagine that was you. I never got to meet you but...you've certainly left a dent in my life.

P.S. Steve...when my time comes...please come with my parents to pick me up - I'll just be over that grassy hill...a 4 year old boy swinging on his swing.

Goodbye my Rose

I once held a rose in my hand, whose deep red hue made me feel loved by all the world.

I seeded her,

I raised her,

I cherished her,

But she was not mines to keep. I raised her for the world, for the world to hold her. And whilst I held her in my hands, I delighted in a delusion, a selfish little secret...that I could keep her world in my heart and I could be her world forever.

Alas this rose is not for me to keep and I will outlive her most tender moments, but I cannot outlive the love she blesses unto the world.

I only pray that one day, from my decaying body in my grave, I may seed another rose from which I shall nourish with all my heart and all my soul...and that one...that one last rose...should be me, so I too can give my love to the world one last time.

Hence forth, for one fleeting instant, in the blossoming of that rose - the world could welcome me for one last time - with a fleeting smile.

Goodbye my rose.

Goodbye.

Creative fear

What is this great fear?

All this time...all these long years...18 to be exact, I have been hiding in my imaginary realm - but now I am afraid of it. To be used for creating real worlds, real games.

As time presses on I feel more and more afraid of completing any idea for a game.

I can see a beach in my mind...Acapulco. Great places of love and sin. Great opportunities to be happy and to lose my mind.

Is this it? To lose my mind. To not be able to draw the line between fantasy and reality? to not know where my comfort zone is?

My imagination has been my haven, btu now it is just for creating. I have no haven.

Fear of losing myself because I have lost my imagination.

Procrastination...my weapon.

But maybe...juts maybe...she is on the other side.

Poema amorosa

Sí alguna vez tu medía naranja pregunta:

¿Porque bailas?

Le dices: Mi alma baila para quitarte la tristeza en tus ojos.

O puedes decir...

Lagrima de pasión.

Lagrima que brota de tu vientre. Lagrima que coerce los latidos de tu corazón. Esa lagrima única que sale a humedecer tus labios, esa lagrima única que los humecte para que yo las pueda besar. Lagrima que me hace real para ti.

Gota de memorias y esperanzas. Te beso, sellando esas memorias en tus labios y sellando tus esperanzas en mi alma.

Another road

Some time ago, I asked my mother about my friend Dara. Dara was my best friend and the closest girl I ever held to my heart as a young boy (and it was a very brief period of my life at that). My mother insisted I check some important documents.

I discovered my grades from 2nd to sixth grade and discovered that I always had the same trend in Elementary as I did in later life (always 8 average it seems). I was surprised to discover I had only satisfactory grades in Math...funny considering I had to deal with higher math all the way to the end.

More importantly I rediscovered the nature of the special education I was to receive at Eastern had I continued living in the states - Humanities and Communications.

Not long ago I described in detail to a friend that I could have chosen 2 alternative paths in life before being an engineer (well three, but Computer Science might as well just left me without knowledge of Electronics). I could choose being a student of Visual Arts and die of poverty or become a Graphics Designer and die of frustration (I don't like technique that much).

Apart from the arts, I now know that I did have the skills to become a child of the humanities or that of communications (politics or marketing). Odd since I have to deal with students from both these days. I've always known that engineering was just a means to an end - I only ever cared about videogames. I have knowledge that I could've gone somewhere else, the opposite of engineering and sciences (art having been middle ground I guess).

My great grandfather, a learned man of law and once a governor, forbade any of his children or grandchildren to go the path of the humanities, though he never said anything of me...he died before I was born. Nonetheless I shared his view at one point, considering all human matters to be a waste of time, but now I must admit...I was only running away.

On the one hand, it's sad nothing human is truly quantifiable - so we can fix things; on the other, the mystery of our humanity is what keeps me alive and faithful.

That we are able to love, hate and live...those are the greatest miracles I have found myself with. I am a humanist who has seen that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the spectrum of knowledge. I endeavor to love and to live...God help me should the need ever arise to hate.

Today I woke up with a small sinus headache and so I have the right side of my head complaining a bit. Nonetheless I think I'm feeling relatively at peace which means something must be right, despite the rollercoaster of emotions I've gone through this past week.

I've been assigned to a project I've always wanted to participate in, though in the process losing an interesting project on the iPad, but I'm happy to be not left out (yeah I 'm sensitive about that). Also the first videogame I actually participated from start to finish, Primrose, has finally been released on the Nintendo Store for DSi (and sold more than Save the Turtles - on it's first day 300 copies were downloaded).

There is still a matter of contention with my last project and Nintendo but I think that we can count on smooth sailing (at least no big surprise) for the next week and thus have Sabarasa Mexico's second DSiWare title (third for the whole company) coming soon (I can't officially say which one but a lot of people out there have a good idea what it is).

All in all I can't complain. If I were rested, I'd say I am very happy, but I'm also getting used to having my feelings out there. Opening my heart is still a lot of work and I'm starting to understand a lot of things logic and cold hard reasoning could not explain. I'm hoping that this path will lead me to greater pleasures and more frequent moments of happiness. I'm also hoping that this unbinding of the heart will allow me to have a girlfriend soon (though Paul the Octopus predicts I won't find any love for the next two months).

There are people enough in my life, from different corners and extremes of it, still the void I have been feeling since Germany has not been filled. I hope I can fill it and go on to greater adventures soon :)

Nice tribute to Karate Kid

I jus saw Karate Kid, with Jayden Smith, and I like the values you find in it: Adaptability, moving forward, following your heart...etc.

I was already a fan of the former Karate Kid series with Ralph Machio and Pat Morita (Miyagi Forever), but I also became a fan of Bruce Lee, David Carradine, many Wushu films from china and some Quentin Tarantino favorites. The revamped karate kid, though it has nothing 'karate' in it, bridges the gap between different genres of martial arts with a nod to ol' Miyagi.

I always wanted to give back something to the generations of today and tommorrow but I think somethings are best left to other people, like this film. There's a lot you can still rescue for the children of today and for the child within us.